I dont have an "engagement ring"…just a wedding band. Why is that so shocking?
http://circleplastics.co.uk/BKP My husband and I eloped when we got married. And I mean "really" eloped…not "have a destination wedding with 50 of our closest friends and family" eloped. He asked me to marry him on the 27th of May while we were camping in the redwoods of California. on the 2nd of June, we flew BACK out to Cali, rented a car and drove to the Nevada side of Lake Tahoe and on the 4th of June, got married on a secluded beach in the rain,..our only witnesses being the judges wife and the two geese that wandered up on the beach!
We knew even before we got "engaged" that we were going to get married that way. There was never an "engagement ring". We both work for an airline (he’s a captain and I work in Flight Operations planning and monitoring flights) we just couldnt justify the cost and frankly, I find chunky, fussy jewelry to be a pain in the hiney, especially when I am hacking away at a computer all day. I have an INCREDIBLE wedding band….TIFFANY & CO wedding band…an Elsa Peretti rose gold comfort fit band with a tiny diamond embedded in it. It makes me smile every time I look at it and everyone who knows me always comments that it is PERFECT for me.
So someone PLEASE tell me why people are so hung up on the fact that i dont have some giant rock on my hand? Im getting really sick of women making comments about how my husband must not really be committed because he didn’t buy me a 000000000000000000 engagement ring. (Um…he bought me a CAR when we were still dating….better than a ring…sorry!) or that he is cheap (Um…hello…my wedding ring is from TIFFANY’S!!!!) Ive had people ask me if my husband plans on buying me a "real set" or if we are "saving up for an engagement ring"
None of my grandparents had diamond rings and they all had happy, 50+ year marriages. They didn’t have elaborate weddings or K receptions…..they were the people who taught me how to love and to be a good spouse. If they could do that without an expensive peice of jewelry, I knew I didn’t need one to prove that my husband is my world!
Please tell me that I am not the only person who prefers a wedding band to diamonds! Dont get me wrong…diamonds are very pretty to look at and I think they look lovely on OTHER people, but frankly, when I tried them on, I thought they looked RIDICULOUS on me….they certainly looked better in the case than on my hand! If a peice of jewelry looks pretty on you and you want it and your husband or wife can afford it, you SHOULD have it….I just never wanted it!
Any other "wedding band only" wives out there? How do you deal with superficial people? What were your reasons for chosing to wear only a wedding band?
26 Responses
TheOne
16 Mar 2011
Elizabeth Berry
16 Mar 2011
People are fucking haters. I got married last month after being engaged for a month and EVERYONE has been talking shit too. Most of them are single losers though. Fuck them, enjoy your marriage, a big reception or expensive ring DONT guarantee a happy marriage.
Kelly
16 Mar 2011
An engagement ring isn’t a requirement (nor is a wedding ring). Its a personal preference thing, some people prefer to have them, others don’t care or want them. It doesn’t make you married any less either way.
I have an engagement ring but that was my and my fiances choice. I preferred one and he wanted me to have one.
kogi
16 Mar 2011
Haha. This world is crazy. Idk why people have such a problem with just a band. My mom never had a engagement ring -pretty much has the same story as you- and she doesn’t mind it. People make comments on it bit she must brushes them off. I have a shiny engagement ring and I (surprisingly) love it and will get the wedding band set, but in the future I want just the plain band.
People are so material now a days that they think love is measured by the carat of the diamond and not by respect and understanding and pure love and everything else that makes love love.
I’m young and like the sparkle now but I’m sure in a few years I’m trading it in for a plain (tiffanys) band!
BloopieBlooper
16 Mar 2011
Engagement rings seem to have changing meanings. These days I think it’s a status symbol, meaning "my husband makes this much $$ and we can afford this." It’s silly. I personally find the woman’s engagement rock as kind of sexist. Men don’t have to wear a big old diamond to signal to other women he is taken prior to the wedding. That’s one of my issues with it. Another of my friends is a PhD. student and she said her and a couple other PhD friends who are married have felt embarrassed of their engagement rings and sometimes didn’t wear them to school. I think it has to do with being a female academic and wanting people to see you as a serious scholar, not just someones wife, or that you put love and romance ahead of your studies.
Whatever the case, there are plenty of people who aren’t into it. I think others that judge you are coming from a different mindset. My painter was starting to save up for my engagement ring and I asked him to help me save for our car instead. Much more practical. I have gone back and forth between whether I want or need the ring or not. I would prefer not, however he has explained he still wants to get me one and I respect his reasons. We both agree that most people we know for some reason won’t take our engagement seriously unless I have the stupid ring. And the social symbolism is the only reason we are doing the wedding in the first place instead of eloping. We want to make a public commitment in front of our friends. So yes, people taking it seriously is important to us. For some reason people really see that ring as a symbol of commitment. It most likely has to do with our consumerist society and a lot of aggressive advertising that equates love with jewelry. Let people think what they want, it sounds like your true friends and close loved ones know what’s up.
But I agree, it will never stop being annoying. I have a co-worker who asks me every other month where my engagement ring is, or looks at a ring I have on my finger and goes "Oh I thought that was an engagement ring! Oops!" I am about to snap on her one of these days. I keep telling her we are saving for a car but she keeps bugging me. Money doesn’t grow on trees lady! But alas…it’s not worth snapping at her. She has different values and priorities and my partner and I are committed to financial responsibility which means we’re taking the marriage, kid and house thing slow so we don’t get in over our heads. I think it really reflects other people’s value systems. Also, some people just live in their own world where their parents help pay for a fancy wedding or they will break the bank trying to make that happen. I think it has to do with consumerist values and being taught that those are priorities and statements about how you value your partner, kids, family, etc. b/c of what you buy each other. It’s just a cultural difference/value difference. Doesn’t make it right or wrong, but it can be difficult to deal with.
diamondcollector
16 Mar 2011
seriously nice wedding band…. good for you!
Sandy Ego
16 Mar 2011
I don’t have diamonds (don’t like them), my "engagement" ring was blue topaz, and my wedding ring is a plain yellow gold band. I have NEVER had to deal with anything negative involving jewelry – you might want to reconsider the type of people you surround yourself with. Not sure why you’re having these problems. If it bothers you, you might need to grow a spine and tell these folks to back off and mind their own business. It sounds mean, but it works.
Virginia Green
16 Mar 2011
As I read this, I look at the band I wear on my ring finger, I am not married….I never knew people didnt have engagement rings, probably never thought about it…maybe I should move my ring
Lydia
16 Mar 2011
Of course it’s not shocking at all, just your choice.
Don’t be so defensive about the choice you made, just accept it happily.
cjsmummy
16 Mar 2011
an engagement ring is a romantic notion – ive been told that im ‘not properly engaged’ because i don’t have my ring yet (its took us 2 and half years to find the perfect one and were currently saving).whilst i am getting a diamond ring,this has more to do with the fact that my fiance is a traditionalist when it comes to jewellery – he wants us to have matching bands,and as hes a chef he cant have anything like diamonds,just a plain band,so that’s why im having 2 rings
i always get thumbs downed for this but its a growing trend now,women are foregoing the traditional diamond engagement ring and having a jewelled wedding band instead
some women have an engagement ring for special occasions – usually because its far too fussy or big to wear on a daily basis
seriously,these people are the ones with the problem,not you – tell them its none of their business why you wear only a wedding band.its personal choice at the end of the day.you don’t like them,and you shouldn’t have it forced on you because of what society expects.btw,ive seen your band on the tiffany website,gorgeous ring!wear it with pride,you know what it means and the sentiment attached
seamstress
16 Mar 2011
People who make such comments about your lack of an engagement ring are ill mannered and have zip in the social grace department.
Your reasons for not wanting an engagement ring are personal to you and none of anyone’s business, really. But people are all brain washed by the bridal industry and the moment you step out side of that box, you are targeted (and so is your innocent husband). What a shame. Your lack of a diamond ring has zero to do with money but everything to do with choice. And, that is what I would tell any nosy people with rude comments who do not have a clue that a ring does not make a good marriage or mean he cares any less about you.
You obviously have strength in your character, thanks to your upbringing. That is a little secret that should keep a smile on your face long enough for people to wonder what your secret is. Not every woman is spell bound by jewelry. And, believe it or not, some woman may envy your ability to not be materialistic as they are brainwashed by the bridal industry "must haves".
Sweet_Di
16 Mar 2011
I dont blame you for not wanting an engagement ring. i think a wedding bad is enough. I am not into diamonds. be proud of what you are wearing screw everyone else. it’s what you wanted
Audrey Jones
16 Mar 2011
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HIS!
16 Mar 2011
Understand that people often say things just be carry on a conversation when they don’t mean one bad thing by what they say. It’s "normal" to have an engagement ring, and so that’s a topic that comes to their minds. Fair?
But what do you say? "Oh, I got exactly what I wanted and love it!" Conversation changes and life moves on. (Repeat as necessary)
Heather
16 Mar 2011
you know… I have never been much of a ring person myself, I just got engaged last month and don’t get me wrong I love my ring, it’s a solitaire but this is a fabulous idea!!! I never once thought of just getting a band with a small diamond! you know…I might be trading in my ring lol
Allie
16 Mar 2011
My mom has no rings at all, the price tag was no justified at the time and later it seemed silly to buy one. A friend of mine is alergic to metal jewelery so she never wore a ring. My cousin and her husband eloped spur of the moment, they were never engaged so there was no engagement ring just a band.
none of these people are any less married than the ones who have an engagement ring and wedding band. dont let it bother you when people ask if you are ever getting an engagenent ring, just tell them that the band is your preference, if you feel the need to tell them anything at all.
fizzy stuff
16 Mar 2011
I never check out married ladies fingers to see if they have an engagement ring or not. A lot of women don’t wear their engagement ring every day after they put on their wedding band. I often wear only my wedding band and no one has ever commented on a lack of an engagement ring.
I don’t know who these "people" are you speak of, but they are incredibly nosy and obnoxious. Don’t take things to heart. If you really don’t care, then it shouldn’t bother you so much.
Jayne
16 Mar 2011
I think you are totally justified in how you feel. You know that he loves you and you love him, so in reality that is all that truly matters.
I LOVE my engagement ring, because I can tell it was picked with my preferences and tendencies in mind. It has a heavy band and the setting is built up around the diamonds. I tend to smack my hand off of things and am hard on jewelry. I usually only wear my engagement ring to work, or if we are going out.
Recently we have decided to forgo the “Pretty jeweled” wedding band for a plain white gold ban that was my mothers when she first got married. She offered it, and it just seemed to make more sense. So I guess I will have a “Set”, but I really see myself wearing just the band more than I do the pair as the set. It is less fussy, easier to keep clean and doesn’t catch on things.
Rings are just a symbol, what truly matters is the love that you share with the person you are married to. Most girls want pretty rings these days, and with how society places importance on size and beauty, it is easy to understand why.
My parents have been happily married for 35 years. I can say without much hesitation that my mother hasn’t worn her “wedding set” in 20 years. She actually wears HER mothers simple wedding band. My parents are two of the MOST devoted people I know.
Nox
16 Mar 2011
People are materialistic. You love your husband and you love your single wedding band, don’t let the haters ruin it for you.
For anyone who asks, just tell them you only wanted a band, if that’s not good enough for them, they can shove it.
Slightly Ravenou
16 Mar 2011
SImply tell them that it wasn’t important to the two of you and let it be. It seems to bother you a lot… don’t let it. If you are truly fine with it, then why do these people upset you so much? Simply tell them that it happened so fast and you didn’t want to wait any longer to start your lives together. It would be silly to get an engagement ring now, since you are no longer engaged. Ignore them. If they continue saying things like "he must not really love you" and keep pestering you about it, just tell them that material things may be super important to them, but all you need is your husband, because that’s all that matters.
Karin
16 Mar 2011
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not having an engagement ring. Most of the women I know have only the band.
I have an engagement ring, but I don’t like diamonds, so the one I wear is a pearl.
Samantha
16 Mar 2011
You don’t need a fancy engagement ring. My FH insists that he wants to buy me a ring. But I told him that I don’t plan on having a long engagement, considering I’m the type to wear my ring 24/7, I’m probably not going to be wearing a diamond ring all the time. (On the other hand, I love fancy, delicate rings and if he got me a fancy one, I’d wear it with pride.) I told him to get me an inexpensive ring, like a promise ring or something, and if anything, upgrade it in five years or something. To me, it’s a lot of money that could definitely be invested to our marriage instead of the jewelry.
Vi.
16 Mar 2011
I’m planning on NOT having an engagement ring. I don’t see *why*. I’m not a huge fan of tradition and I don’t live my life trying to please superficial people. I totally get you on not wanting to wear some big rock. I’m not a fan of flash and never have been. Materialistic people might find that boring. But it honestly doesn’t matter. I don’t understand why the amount of money spent on a ring is supposed to be a measure of how much he loves you. If a man goes into debt over it, it’s going to be the wife’s problem soon enough.
As for how you deal with them, I’d just tell them that a good relationship is never about the ring. I value my boyfriend far, far more than a hunk of metal. He values me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me and I find it silly that a ring has to prove his commitment.
truefirstedition
16 Mar 2011
That’s not at all shocking. But the next time someone makes a snarky comment, just smile and say politely, "I think our wedding was romantic because of the spontaneity. I would rather have that experience than any ring."
ilf rettub
16 Mar 2011
I’m sorry that people are so rude! Though I am not currently married, the ring I told my boyfriend that I want is actually a peridot gemstone, not a big old diamond. And I can only imagine how people are going to react because anytime I mention it I get a look of utter horror from them. I hate the idea that people are so shallow and programmed to think that they have to have a diamond, the bigger and flashier the better. Marriage isn’t about the diamond people! A wedding ring is suppose to be a symbol of your marriage, love, and dedication to eachother. Good for you for not falling prey to what society says you should have/do and going with what you want. I wish everyone could think for themselves. And I too have contemplated a wedding band only (because I didn’t want the diamond e-ring) but when I saw this particular peridot engagment ring I knew it was the ring for me! I LOVE the green and the idea of not having what everyone else has. Which is exactly how I feel about my relationship, that I have something no one else has, something completely unique! And that ring will completely symbolize that. The added bonus will be when everyone tweeks out and passes judgment upon me. I sorta like freeking out all the sheep!
greatbiki
16 Mar 2011
It’s totally personal and if you don’t like it don’t wear it. There nothing to worry about your men. men probably don’t think so deep about not gifting an engagement ring. Take it easy. Some people don’t like it and some don’t wear it because they never had an engagement. Not a big matter.
However, if you want to stop from talking you can still get a good engagement ring from some good online store at a economical price.
It is a personal preference.
You don’t have to explain your choice (just like I don’t have to defend my choice).
Also ?
Try not to get so upset about it.
Just smile and say someone like – it works for us (which is what I say).
Peace.